Tips for Visiting Elderly Family Members

The following tips are provided to ease communication and make visits with you family member more enjoyable.

Identify yourself

Start the visit with saying your name. ("Good morning Mom, it's your son, Tom. How are you today?") It is better not to ask her to identify you. This avoids frustration for both of you.

Approach with care

All of us, including the elderly, have a sense of personal space around us. If your father does not immediately recognize you, getting too close or touching him could be very upsetting. Wait to reach out to him until he is comfortable with your presence.

If you need to touch your parent, let him know what you are doing first. ("Dad, let me help you button your shirt.") Gentle touches and reassuring smiles will help to calm the situation.

Monitor your verbal communication

The meaning of a statement can be changed by the tone volume, rate and rhythm of your speech. For example, "Are you feeling alright?" can be stated in a supportive, loving way or in an impatient, harsh manner. Make sure how you speak reflects what you mean.

Allow time for a response

Speaking slowly and allowing for silence between sentences gives the other person time to understand what you have said and to develop an answer or response.

Keep the information short and simple

It is helpful if our words are as concrete as possible. Demonstrate what you want your family member to do as you talk to her.

Rather than testing your family member's memory ("Who did I bring with me today?") provide information directly ("See who came to visit you today, Dad, it's your cousin, Frank.")

Enhance your visit with non-verbal communication

Listen to favorite music. Apply hand lotion or give a backrub. Fresh flowers will add color and fragrance to the room. Bring a special treat.

Don't pick a fight

Sometimes your family member may be confused about the facts of a situation. Rather than correcting every detail, listen for the point of the story and try to understand how your family member is feeling.

Fear is a common emotion and is often the basis for what appears to be an unreasonable remarks. For example, instead of saying, "No one is trying to hurt you," a more helpful response is, "It sounds like you are frightened."

Try to ignore sudden outbursts of temper. Remember it is usually the dementia, not the person speaking.